The Lollipop Guild

I seem to attract small animals. Kinda like Snow White, but not as sweet. I think they know that I am a push-over, that I will go out of my way to get them to safety. I'm pretty sure there is a council of little animals that meets once a month at the local small animal bar located in my basement. Their topic of conversation always turns to me.

Mouse: So, who here has encountered Jess?
Bat: She's that short chick right?
Mouse: Yeah that's her!
Bat: She is so fun to mess with!

They then go into discussions of how best to mess with me, how far they can push my personal space, and who is bringing the nachos next month.

Recently a bat decided to try his..umm...wing at invading my space. Dave had just climbed the stairs and gone to bed and JD and I sat on the couch watching Star Trek. I admittedly was dozing a bit but out of the corner of my eye I saw something flash by. So did JD and the ever crazy mutt. We all jumped up and inched closer to the basement door. Well ok, JD and I inched, the dog was there before we even got off our butts. I bent over and there on the ground was a bat.

I squeaked.

JD laughed.

Dog decided it looked like a tasty treat.

As I reached for the dog's collar to pull back the rabid, starving beast he had become, the little...I mean vicious bat flew down stairs into the dark basement. JD and I looked at each other and ran down after it.

Once we were down there we realized that we really didn't have a game plan, but we continued to search. Finally I found the little guy hanging on one of the walls. Again I looked to JD and he gave me a shrug as if to say, "I'm not touching it, woman!"

And there was no way I was going to reach it...

So I ran upstairs and got Dave out of bed. He was grumpy but I think he understood that the bat needed a hero and Dave Kenobi was his only hope. Dave and I hurried back downstairs and and came face to face with a fierce warrior armed to the teeth. No, sorry, actually it was JD staring wide-eyed at the bat holding an old lollipop. It was one of those huge size-of-your-head lollipops, and it had been gnawed on at a party and left behind. Now it was a sticky, lint covered mess. A perfect weapon for armed combat against a bat.



I hid behind JD and the lollipop while Dave balanced on the couch and scooped up the bat in an old towel.

The bat squeaked and cussed through his towel enclosure but Dave bravely ran upstairs to the front door and released it.

I'm sure they had a good laugh in the bar that night. But my secret hope is that the bat lived happily ever after, gorged on mosquitoes and rainbows.

A Short Start...

So...

I'm short. And no, not average short, but short short. Like 2.5 inches taller than being able to be legally called a midget, short.

I'm very proud of every millimeter that adds up to those 2.5 inches.

Yay for mixed increments of measurements!

Being short has it's benefits. For example, people think I'm cute and so I get away with things a lot easier than I think I would if I was an Amazon. Also, I can stand there, bat my eyelashes, point at things that are up high and tall people grab them for me. That's pretty awesome. It works in grocery stores too.

Although sometimes at stores there is no one around and I have to climb the shelves like a manic spider monkey to reach the last can of SpaghettiOs that has been pushed all the way to the back, and I've been craving SpaghettiOs for weeks and I must get them...


But the worst part of being short is driving. I drive a Vibe, which in itself is a pretty small car, don't get me started on driving minivans. But yeah, I can't comfortably reach the pedals. Go ahead laugh, it is pretty funny. So I'm left with the choice of pushing the pedals with my toes or scooting the seat up and steering with my boobs. I'm sure the truck drivers I pass would get a kick out of that one.



I know there are a few vehicles that have movable pedals, but I'm not made of money you know? And my Vibe is cute although not cool enough to have movable pedals. So I opt for toes over boobs and I get from point A to B pretty OK. And besides, it's really hard to make left turns with your boobs.

And so it begins...

Nothing important really...

Actually this is just a placeholder, a teaser if you will for the fierce awesomeness that is about to be unleashed on the unsuspecting blogging community!!

Muahahahaha!